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Not too tough to see it coming: the child of a parent who constantly judges others and finds them wanting will wind up feeling judged and wanting themselves.
As for catalogs: my favorite is First Steps (I think) which my wife and I have dubbed "Neurotic Parents Monthly" filled with overpriced and useless items like shopping cart seat covers
What I also want to know is, when did parents start doing their kids' homework? I don't mean helping. I could always ask my mom or dad a question if I didn't understand something. But I have cousins who have actually written their kid's papers for them. One of them said, "But I have to make sure he gets in the right college."
As for writing school papers... given the pressure and competition around getting into a good college these days, I can honestly see the temptation.... as much as I can recognize it for what it is: A really, really bad idea.... (Anyway -- can't your cousin's kid just lift stuff off the internet like everyone else's kid? Talk about crazy! sheesh!)
: )
Steve -- You are also 40 percent more funny tonight!
And let me guess: that "development rating" (which is qualified...how, exactly?) probably accompanies a legal disclaimer along the lines of "Rating not meant to ensure or predict future athletic prowess. If your child is complete klutz, please consult a physician before dribbling."
Yet my competition will be how to help my children explore the life, understand people, enjoy this lovely earth, love the simple moments, smile a lot (and more) and somehow just enjoy what they do?
Ann, I'll read more advices, keep it going. :-)
On one hand, I can see where the store's marketers are trying to differentiate itself and focus on the "learning" part of its name by showing how toys can be more than *just* toys. Maybe it's trying to be like the Lamaze and TinyLove toys that focus on development.
However, it also seems like a dummies' guide for parenting. Which is insulting, silly and just plain dumb.
-Mike
In a perfect world, my sons would do the following once they reach elementary school/junior high.
Spend one season playing a sport, one season with a job earning his keep, and the other season with absolutely nothing programmed- build a fort in the backyard, play tag with neighbors kids, etc...What ever happened to the days of goofing off after school and burning ants with magnifying glasses? ;-)
They should have ratings on how much interactivity it enables. For example a basketball would be a 7 out of 10, chess would be 10... THAT would help parents.
The teachers at our children's school are always pleasantly surprised at the type of questions I ask during Parent-Teacher Interviews.
Never "why is Jr. only getting a B in Music" or "I think he should have gotten more marks for that exploding volcano that I...um...he... worked on all weekend?"
I ask:
1. Is he socializing?
2. Is he considerate of others?
3. Does he seem to be having fun?
4. Does he participate in class? Ask a lot of questions and offer a lot of answers?
Totally agree with Tyson - except for the burning ants with a magnifying glass. I did that and STILL feel bad about it to this day!
In many important respects, through which we often measure success and happiness, this is not so with life.
Life is -- and people are -- so diverse and unpredictable it's impossible to immediately know what aptitudes and skills our kids can most ably develop to best ensure their security and happiness.
Identifying a marketable skill is one thing, but it may be entirely different to develop that skill to a point that our children can become successful at it in life.
I may love to play football, for instance, but wanting to be 6'5", 255 lb linebacker might not be in the cards, and for reasons other than just desire and determination.
Platitudes to the contrary, we cannot really do all that we ever want to do, if we just wish it enough.
Consequently, "whatever your parents do" seems to be the standard fare, but with 67% of the U.S. workforce reporting that they are unhappy at their jobs, there may be some problems with that model.
We all want what is "best" for our children, but the only way we know how to measure that is through our own experiences and imaginations, which are understandably limited.
Kids have the imagination, but lack the knowledge. Our job is to impart that on them, as best we can. But to be most successful at that, I've found it's best if they believe it was their idea to seek and acquire it. :)
The reason for so many activities for kids is not competition, it is survival...do you know what it is like to have an unplanned Saturday with 2 toddlers under 3 and a 4-week old? It's not as much fun as it sounds. Having something organized and planned to do is necessary for the parents, even moreso than the children.
As for scheduled activities -- that's true, too. It's terrifying.... Of course, too bad all those OTHER parents are sending their kids to activities and lessons and Origami workshops on Saturday mornings.. now my kids are REALLY bored! ; )
Our dog, Maggie is a fetchaholic. She trained our son at 5 months to push the ball off any surface so she can fetch it and bring it back to him. I wonder what rating Maggie would get? Gross motor, socialization, visual perception...
QUICK! EVERYONE GET A DOG!
Seriously -- what happened to plain old common sense?
I can't help but blow a giant raspberry at the makers of your catalog - as well as the parents who obsessively overstimulate and overschedule their children in the name of advancing their development. It's time for the madness to stop!
As the mother of an almost six month old, we have many toys. I'm a consultant - so I leverage my OCD to do research on toys... and most of what we buy is done after we get feedback from friends or ratings on sites like Amazon about safety, engagement.. etc. However, what I find is that regardless of the ratings and feedback , finding something he likes is mostly a crapshoot.
What is a 100% winner with our son, however, is spending TIME with US! What he seems to love most -- and where he seems to LEARN most is interacting with us!
MTV did a survey recently on teenagers, asking them what they like to do in their free time. a startling 87% (pretty sure that's it) of them responded that they most like hanging out with their parents! Yet we insist on overscheduling and overstimulating them with activities designed to help them develop -- sometimes at the expense of developing relationships at home...We sometimes look forward to getting them out of the house... until they leave for good and we get depressed.
When was a kid, the best gift in the world was a refrigerator box. I was a "fortaholic"... and my cardboard creations were a haven for weeks. My parents graciously allowed the cardboard atrocities to dominate our living room. They also helped me cut the doors and windows with our bread knife and built my architecture skills: They knew it encouraged my creativity... and mostly --once my dolls were moved in with me -- it just kept me quiet awhile.
So I don't care about those skills rankings... really.
What I'd LOVE to know if there is a toy out there that is guaranteed to hold my son's attention for 15 minutes to a half-hour at a time. I'm talking money back guarantee!
I'd also like to know which toys are made without child labor ...and are not sprayed with lead paint.
If the toy industry can get THAT right I might want some input on how they can sell me things to help my son develop. Until then, he's doing FINE.
Yes, he is fine with pots, wooden spoons, rattles, blocks and smooching the dog (yes- we allow dog hair and germs in moderation) and spending LOTS of time with mom and dad! Doesn't seem to be hurting him a bit.
When the time comes, I'm really going to enjoy finding him large boxes, to play in. They're highly rated, FREE and don't require batteries!
Toys are toys.. Ratings are nice but largely designed to SELL things. I want to see my son learn, but I'm not going to obsessively push him.... I'm just enjoying watching his brilliance unfold in front of me and thankful to God that he's healthy and happy.
Some (extremely competitive) parents think that getting their kids involved in EVERY activity is good for the kids. It's not. Kids can suffer from burn-out, too. Nobody likes to be a rat on a wheel; it's a bad habit to get kids used to that kind of mindless, meaningless, anxious approach to life. We know a few neighborhood kids who are so over-scheduled --- they are so young, and they are already so stressed out. Kids do need to have free play, use their imaginations, daydream...
I have a feeling that none of us grew up with the amount of external stress that these kids have. We all turned out pretty OK, didn't we? ;)
I can't count the number of times I've bought my daughter something she really really really wanted, only to see it gathering dust because it didn't provide the ecstatic experience that the package/commercial/catalog promised. But a giant empty box! Limitless fun. Truly.
He told his children "...there was a reason why they were here,and they had to find out what that reason was for themselves. From the age of four years, they heard this....I told them," I never, ever want you to worry about making a living. If you're unable to make a living when you grow up, I'll provide for you... I don't want you to focus on doing well in school. I don't what you to focus on getting the best grades or going to the best colleges. What I really want you to focus on is asking yourself how you can serve humanity, and asking yourself what your unique talents are. Because you have a unique talent that no one else has, and you have a special way of expressing that talent, and on one else has it." They ended up going to the best schools, getting the best grades,...they are financially self-sufficient, because they are focused on what they are here to give.
Love ya Ann, for feelin' the pain! What's WITH these parents????
First, I'd say to the parents doing kids homework so they get into a good college, that's ridiculous. I think it falls inline with Toads analysis.
I've had a number of friend who had very, very competitive parents placing a huge pressure on them. All of them "cracked" so to speak (not saying all will, but sadly in this case, all did). Some in worse ways than others.
When it comes to it, I don't think it matters what college your kid gets into it or how "smart" they really are. They are going to be the ones who inevitably define their future, and their success will lay in that.
I honestly didn't realize there was this whole "competitive" parenting. I suppose that makes me lucky, but honestly, it makes me sad instead.
all this trickles down to the children and teenagers...they become the diminutive of their parents, taking their parents' views and making them their own.
i had to laugh at your story at the pediatrician. i have had the exact opposite experience. as a mother of very large babies who have grown up, thus far, to be much taller than their peers, i endured the raised eyebrow and sideways glances of mothers who thought my children, especially the middle one, were more than a year older than they actually were- due to size - when they were toddlers...and therefore not terribly bright.
many years ago we were waiting with other parents and their babies & toddlers, for my eldest to get out of nursery school. my, then, youngest had barely mastered the "normal" speech of two year olds and was walking around trying to talk to the other parents and children - a very social two year old - and was unable to really communicate much at all. two mothers, with their perfectly tiny two year olds speaking in perfect two year old babble, queried, "goodness...how old is THAT one?" "barely two", I responded calmly. silence, then the...."ohhhhh." you could feel their relief - was it for me? - that this child was just tall/large for their age and not some terribly backward three or four year old. this was an all too common experience in my life as a young mother.
perhaps there are those who boast of their 90% percentile child and are dismissive of those who are less, but as a parent of three - well above the 99% percentile - children, i encountered the opposite reaction. i always looked at those - like you - with the smaller children as lucky to have more normal sized babies and toddlers...it took a few years to realize that size, in this case, really does not matter!
i grew up in far simpler times. we played out-of-doors, wrote letters and got excited about a telephone call. we were divided into classes in high school according to our abilities, but it really wasn't that big a deal. everyone i know went to college, some to harvard, yale and amherst, but some to regular old state schools or smaller private colleges. we are all now basically happy and doing our thing. in fact, my closest high school friend, who entered harvard at 16, says it did very little for her, except make people overly impressed when they found out from where she graduated. yes, she got a good education, if you count having TAs teach most of your classed for the first two years. at 43 she would make a different choice, and as mother of one highly intellectually gifted son and another completely normal, on track son, she struggles to keep a balanced perspective while those around her seem completely in awe of her son and all those great possibilities ahead of him.
she and i agree we all have a path and if we stay true to ourselves, things usually work out. harvard or whatever...the education you get really depends on what you put into it.
now days everyone wants their child to get into harvard or yale and they engage coaches so their child's college ap will stand out among the madding crowd of applicants. i fear for my children. i have worked mightily to keep them as sheltered as i can, without making them freaks within their peer groups.
i waited until each one was in first grade and settled before they could sign up for an after school activity...just one. in third grade they could add a second and learned to balance a sport and an instrument. they went to school, read a lot of books, played make believe, rode bikes and ran around outside. their friends were on more than one team and very busy every weekend. when my children said they were bored, i told them to go grab a book or get on their bike. now as teens/tween, they tell me often how glad they are that i was laid back and gave them a simple outlook and the ability to learn how to engage on their own.
one of my children was placed in special ed gym (!!!) in elementary school...she was rather uncoordinated. now she is highly successful at her sport and is being recruited by colleges...it certainly wasn't any extra special toy i bought that promised to teach her balance or coordination that got her where she is today. it was just plain old fashioned time and growing up into her body...and finding the right sport.
what i want to instill in my children is a sense of being at peace with just living their lives...i do want them to be the best they can be, live up to their fullest potential, but not get lost in the new rat race of being a captain of industry or whatever.
In the last few weeks, I've purchased an interactive play kitchen for a 3-year-old nephew obsessed with cooking; a toy rocket for a science-mad 12-year-old nephew; and a bunch of Cars-related toys and books for a 1-year-old niece whose unbreakable focus when she watches that particular movie is astonishing.
I couldn't care less if any of it has scholastic or athletic merit. Whatever their interests, they'll learn in play what they need for the schools and careers they choose. And maybe they'll actually enjoy childhood...
To my 6 year old: "Where did you hear about hand/eye co-ordination?"
"On TV Dad. That toy was on Nickelodeon. It really helps people learn things" Shoot me now!
Seriously - THESE ARE TOYS! "Toy" - Thesaurus has "plaything" and "game" as two of its synonyms. Imaginative and creative play can happen without keeping up with the Jones's - as can social skills.
We spoke to our pediatrician when we were looking for a caregiver when my wife was about to go back to work and she said: "Find the warmest caregiver you can find who will take care of your child and make life fun for them. Through experiences they will learn and you want learning to be fun. A good hugger will come in handy also." She emphasized interacting and sitting on the floor and playing and reading - all developmental stuff that our generation seemed to do fine with.
I was blown away when we started seeing what you are talking about. And the price tags for nursery school/pre-k were no joke either - for a seemingly glorified playdate. And supposedly the higher the price the better the "education"? C'mon - we are talking about 2 and 3 year olds. And the programs have activities specially chosen for developmental reasons.
40+ years ago I am sure I also played with blocks, climbed stairs, finger painted and played in a sand area. I just do not believe that back then it was rationalized as fine motor skill development and socialization programs to justify 5 figure fees for half days 3 mornings a week.
Maybe it is time to run away and join the circus. Wrong words - this sounds like a circus already.